Whats before New Beginnings?

Few days back I vacated the apartment which had been my home for the last 2.5 yrs.

I went to many places in that time, but I always knew where I will return.

Sure the place wasn't perfect... hell the place wasn't even mine... 

But it was my safe haven. I knew all the imperfections. I knew how to work around them. 

Anyway, nothings ever built to last.

I finally had to tear down all the small little things I had built into the house.. and say goodbye to it. It was a weird feeling. I was sad at times, but with just so many things to do the sadness dint last very long. I was so exhausted when I had to leave the place, that I dint have the time to feel any emotions... 

Now however, a few days have passed. I have traveled half way across the country and I have had the time to think. Now that I realized I don't have my own place to go back to, its somewhat a homeless feeling, if such a thing exists. 

I am going to be living out of a suitcase for a while, well in my case I will be living out of a bunch of suitcases and bags and probably some cartons as well, but the point is the same. I will be travelling to a bunch of cities in between. I will be meeting so many people I will have to say goodbye to, agreed temporary and agreed only for some days. but still I hate goodbyes. 

But this is something I have to do. I have to go on to a different life. 

I am scared. I am petrified of what the future holds for me. I wonder how life turns out on this next step.

But that's what life is. Isn't it!? A new beginning every day. 

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” Right?

If only...

If

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

‘Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Feeling At Home

Process this. You have been told that in 2 weeks time you will have to go to a completely new city for some work. Questions pop into your head... You spend you fortnight wondering what the city will be like? How will the people be? How will you manage to get around the city? How will you be able to trust what a localite tells you?

India is a huge country. It has diverse cultures. It has hundreds of languages and a million dialects. Okay… tell me something new you say! Right! Right… well. Let me reboot!

I have spent majority of my life in the western part of India, save a few months in the lovely Infosys campus in Mysore where the company has provided such a cocoon that you don’t realize you are in some far away part of the country. Also thanks to my choice of profession (not my own but yes I don’t mind the perks) I have had the luxury of visiting some foreign locales. But, it’s been a while since I last went out of my comfort zone. It’s been a while since I have been to a city where I know if I am standing in the correct street, either by relying on a digital map or with the help of some family.

When we landed in the southern most part of India, southern most for me at least – I have never been so far away from home in my own country, we were if anything else a little anxious. Apart from the obvious difference in language, there is a vast difference between the societies also. We were given a map, and written description, of reaching our destination. We were told by family and friends that people will not even respond to English, let alone Hindi! We had a bunch of numbers at hand in case we get lost in this huge strange city. And of course there are the digital maps.

But as luck would have it, the moment we landed, both of our phones conked off. So the maps and the numbers go out of the window. We approach the prepaid cab stand and get our ticket to the destination. Once in the cab, a friend who said that people won’t respond to English was proved right, when the driver dint respond to a single thing we said to him. We dint even think of trying Hindi… come on who are we kidding!!

Anyway, what we dint realize was that while we were settling in the cab, the driver was making sure he knew the address to the T. He dint miss a single turn and dropped us safely to our destination in the shortest time we have spent in a cab in any metropolitan city. Also as soon as we entered the guest house, I was again pleasantly surprised when the person greeted us in perfect Hindi. He brought us prompt coffee (authentic filter coffee) and asked us about our home towns. Turned out he himself hailed from up-north!! At the dinner table we were served a lovely home cooked meal of all the things we have at our parent’s house (even we don’t ever cook such lovely meals!!). While on a walk around the neighborhood, it felt as if we were walking around our locality, such was the ease with which we were walking the streets as if we knew every nook and cranny. Well, probably I am woozy with all the good food and lovely night air, but I am feeling much at home in this strange city.

That got me wondering, isn't it wonderful what globalization has done to our huge country. When we think of globalization we only think of internationalization. But what really has happened is that India as a country also has shrunk. Who would have thought say 15 years back that two people who have no ties what so ever with a city would be so comfortable just in 2 hours. Who would have thought that you will be able to trust complete strangers just because we have faith in them?

It’s what education has done to us. We think beyond boundaries. We think beyond color. We think beyond languages. We are the new generation who is willing to leave their homes and live in a foreign land. We don’t have prejudices. We don’t judge without reason. We have an open mind. We are willing to learn, and teach.

This wasn't a vacation, but it turned into just one of the best times I have had...

Golden Age Thinking

Nostalgia.

I recently saw the movie “Midnight in Paris”. A beautifully made movie draped in love for Paris. I must say in spite of the fact that Woody Allen is considered as one of the best movie makers, I have never been a fan. Maybe it’s the fact that he falls in the category of the artists who makes movies to keep their current muse as the center of their movies. But there is something in this particular movie that attracted me towards it.

I feel that this movie is made on people like me.

Now all of us remember the past. Some of us want to go back to yesterday, some want to go back to the last year. Some of us want to go back to the days of college while some of us want to go back to the day of our first kiss. But we all do remember past. Now there is a bunch of people who want to go back, go way way back into the past and live in the time that they think as the “Golden Age”.

Wishful thinking of going to a Golden Age is nothing but thinking that some different time is better than the current age one is living in. It’s Nostalgia! You hate the time you are living in and land up fantasizing about some era you feel was perfect. You romanticize! When you think of the era you feel like violins are playing softly in the background. The whole era is draped in the most beautiful colors of spring. The whole scenery has the fragrance of the first rain after summer.

What’s more, you feel you will land up meeting your idols from the past. You think you will get to talk to the people, who though not directly, have had an influence on the way you think about everything. Learn more about their lives. Live their lives with them. Become their groupies for all intents and purposes!! Wouldn’t it be just perfect!

Well if you have been nodding your head while reading, you are just like me. Dreamers. Well its no harm to wish to be in a place someplace else, but we have to remember to live the present. How else will you make a day worthy enough to go back to in years to come?!

Back after a long time...

12 April 2010

There is always things which you want to do... but then there are these other things which you haveeee to do... and the come in the way of the 1st one...

He he... as usual... off to a confusing start... but thats okay... thats normally the state of my mind...

Well its been 4 months since December... The time just flewwww.... Though the months haven't been un-eventful... Some were such that even as i am writing this i can recall each and every moment. Some such... which i want to go back in time and just erase them from memory!

When I started off with a blogspot... i thought i like this... i like putting my thoughts onto paper (okayyy... virtuallll paper!!!)... but like all the other things I things i would do... well...

So again... after a looooooong hiatus... here i am... saying to myself... i will be regular at this!!

Be back soon...

Love always...

T

Dogs - Miracles with Paws

7th February 2009

Before I begin... I would just say... this blog will make sense only to Dog lovers :)... rest will not only find it stupid... but overly emotional :)

I just saw a movie which I know is probably not a big hit… but it will be my favorite for life…

I reached the US exactly 7 days back… I am in a state where I am home sick as hell… and all I can think of is getting back to where I belong…

My friend Gayathri… who has been like one of the biggest support for me here told me yesterday that you should see this movie called “Marley & Me”… she pinged me actually on google talk… I was in office then and I thought yeahh… even I wanna see it… I will once I reach home…

Buuttt by the time I reached home I had another message from Gayathri… it said “Don’t see that movie… the dog dies in the end… its sad”… and then we spoke and we agreed that – I am in the most volatile state of emotions and this movie will be like fuel to the fire… so I thought I will lay off this movie for a while…

The whole day today I was really busy… dint really think of catching a movie… but finally when I did go on-line to look at what to do… I couldn’t control myself… I started watching “Marley & Me”…

The movie starts off really sweetly… how there is this couple… who get a dog as soon as they are married and how their life progresses and the dog is always around… but in the end as I knew it… the dog dies!

Swapnil always said… you love dogs! Why don't you write a blog about dogs… and I never ever knew how I would put the all of my emotions in words… but I am going to try now…

Everyone… anyone who has lost a dog knows what it feels like… I am still crying writing this… but I just wanted to…

I lost my Chiku… it’s been 3 and half years… but I still remember him down to the minutest details…

I remember how he smelled… how he looked at me when I was eating a chocolate and not sharing with him… how he came running at the door when I came home… how he bit me when I was to give him a medicine or a bath… and yeahhh.. How terrified he used to be while having a bath as if he is standing in the middle of a battlefield without a gun... heheh ! The thought still makes me smile... I still remember how petrified he used to be to go to the doctor’s place (God knows how he used to understand that he was to go to a doctor... or he was going to get a bath!!!) … standing with him… holding his hand (paw) while he was getting a shot… I used to feel the pain for him…

A dog is the best way to make you feel like a million bucks… they love you unconditionally… and they make you love them back… they can do anything – chew your fav dress… your notebooks… make you clean their shit… but one look at their face… one lick from your dog will make you forget everything…

I still cry when I think of my baby… but I am sure he is in heaven… like all dogs are…

You can never stop loving your dog… even if he isn’t around anymore… And I know… I will always miss him… But the fear of loosing a dog will never ever make me think think that i will not have one (or maybe more) as a pet... I would like to give the love I gave to my lil puppy to atleast a few more....

Waiting for my puppy to come back to me…

Love always…

Tana

Bigg changes in life

November 11th, 2008

Life is a series of changes...

Pre-school to school... then to junior college... then to graduation...

Nothing in life is stable... everything changes...

Some of these changes are good... some make you happy.. some are expected and when they don't happen you can be disappointed...

But then there are some changes which are huge... life changing...

They are expected but when they do happen you think to your self... what will happen next...

You can help but think what will be the consequence of this change...

It scares you & at the same time you are excited...

You plan... you put in hard work for "D" day... & then when it comes... I think you go numb and go through the whole process as if you are sleep walking... he he

You meet 100s of new people... you smile at everyone... but a day later (when you regain consciousness :)) you don't remember a single person...

Most crucial time is the time when you are making the preparations... you feel there are a million things to do... then you make a list... n then realise that in reality there are more than a million things if that is humanly possible... and on the day... its guaranteed that you will miss out at least 10things... :)

I have just started to go through this phase... a long road ahead..
Till then... smile :)

Love

Tana